Paycheck to Paycheck

I know that at least a few of you who browse this blog from time to time do not believe in God. Or you might believe in Him, but differently than I do. I hope you know that I really don't have things all figured out. There are a few things I'm sure of but most of life just leaves me speechless and confused. I feel like this is a place that I can sometimes just get my thoughts and feelings down and try to organize them a bit. I hope you don't mind.

 

If you read my last post, you know I'm grappling with choices. What should my life look like? Why am I here..really? What should I say 'yes' to and what is a definite 'no'? I'm just tired of living life 'paycheck to paycheck'---and I'm not just referring to money, because there have been times in my life when that was not a struggle. It really is a metaphor for my whole life. I have just enough energy to get through a day, and that's it. Is that how it's supposed to be? Many days I get up a little early for some quiet time, rush to work, work work work, come home and fix dinner, maybe spend some family time or watch TV or something, get up and do it all again. And again and again and again. Oh, sometimes there's a little vacation or variety in there: dinner with friends, holidays with family, a concert or a movie or a picnic. I have a few hobbies and I attend a church that has a variety of activities for me to choose from. I love my children and my husband, my friends and family. I'm a good American. I pay my taxes and vote. I have come to this place where I know God exists and I know I am a sinner through and through. He sent His Son to sacrifice himself so that I can know God and be free from my past. I know where I will go when I die. I feel a freedom in Him that I never felt possible, and I feel a love and peace that is beyond my understanding.

So why do I also feel restless?

Bear with me. It's complicated.

I used to think motherhood would give my life purpose. Raise good kids and you can change the world. Maybe there is a little truth in that, but my kids are growing up. In a few years my youngest will be an adult, and then what?

Or gaining knowledge. I was married pretty early in life. I've never gone to college, but as a young mom with small kids I was hungry for it. I checked out books from the library, bought my favorites, even read them in the bookstore when I had no money. I married an intelligent man who is also so different from me, who loves to debate, and makes me question every thing I believe in. But the older I get the less I know. Seriously.

Or love. Or fun. Or owning my own business. Or travel. Or relationships. Or politics. Or service. I could devote an entire paragraph to each of those and more. My conclusion is that none of these things give my life purpose or fulfillment. There is a whole book in the Bible called Ecclesiastes (a Greek word that means 'Teacher') that discusses exactly how I've been feeling. I was surprised to find that this book really doesn't say that much about God. The author just systematically reveals my incapacity to find the meaning of my life on my own. 'Lifestyle' spiritualities are revealed to be fruitless. Humanity is shown to be arrogant and ignorant if we think we can live our lives by ourselves on our own terms. Setting goals and going after them with complete abandon, expecting the result to be a good life? Forget about it.

So what is it then? Can a person be "saved" and still feel restless? There have been times in my life when I did not feel this way. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right where I was supposed to be, living my life exactly where I needed to. But not today.

I've been reading through a letter that Paul wrote to some people, way back when in Bible times. And I think I'm onto something. I think the answer is coming, and I'll write about it in the days ahead. But I'm curious what you think about all of this. I would love to read your comments about these challenges I'm having. If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment, just email me or message me on FB.

Thanks for stopping by!

2 comments:

  1. I have read from the most recent and this particular entry asks a very important question, "Why do I feel so restless?" I am not sure what He has in store for you, but just the fact that you have so many freakin' questions about what your purpose is here on earth, REALLY, makes me smile from the inside out! Your quandry says to me that your are in complete surrender to His hands, His will, and you are ready to be used for His Glory because of your trust in Him and your willingness to be wholly available for that purpose!

    There is no question that you are in the process of 'morphing' into someone you never imagined you could be--it is that comfort zone and the security of the finite that limits us. Yet the power that He has given us through His son is infinite and given freely and we must allow this power to flow in us and through us freely. It isn't about religion or rules or the finite...it is about relationship with the creator of the universe...how amazing is that? HE wants to have a relationship with ME?? Are you sure about that, God? ME???? :)

    Looking to discuss this more with you, here, on the phone, FB...doesn't matter where...

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  2. hey Brooke T. I didn't even realize you left a comment until today! Let's talk...

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