With fear and trembling

Author's note: I originally wrote this in 2022, and here we are in 2025 and I'm just now finding the courage to share it. God and I are still talking through it.

Roe v Wade has been overturned by the Supreme Court. A younger version of myself would have 100% rejoiced. It would have been a no-brainer. As a Christian, even one whose behavior was (and can still) be questionable, I knew that abortion was a sin. I even joined my Dad once when I was young and held a sign outside an abortion clinic. 

You see, my story involves a close encounter with the pro-life movement. As a pregnant teen, I chose adoption for my own child and then went back to high school and continued my senior year.  I stood up at an event in 1988 before graduation and spoke about the importance of protecting innocent life. And with all my heart I believed it all. I was a poster child for choosing adoption in the eighties.

Fast forward to 2022, this court action for Roe v Wade will likely save an untold number of innocent lives in the states that choose to outlaw abortion.

But when I heard about the court's decision, the 52-year-old version of me experienced an internal chaotic response. I am currently ashamed and baffled by my reaction. I've cried and prayed and I've nursed a foul mood for a week. I'm still processing, but here's what I've come up with so far. 

Should motherhood be forced? And let me be clear - even if you choose adoption for your child, you are still a mother.  (I'm not going to go into the right to birth control, abstinence, or the breakdown of the family or any other popular talking point that is adjacent to this, even though many of those topics are relevant to the conversation.)

I feel deep compassion for women who have faced an unexpected or unwanted pregnancy. I think that is something that is often lacking in the conversation. And I'm whispering this now in the presence of God, with fear and trembling. I am certain of one thing. If I didn't have a choice - if someone would have legally forced me to carry a child in my belly at 16 and then forced me to either raise or give up my newborn baby - I wouldn't be here today. I am certain I would have ended my own life. 

If you're still here and you're up for it, here's more of my truth. Having the autonomy to walk my 16 year old mind and body through my choice actually saved my daughter's life. The freedom my parents gave me to choose my path, knowing that they were firmly pro-life and also now knowing how much they love me and my children and my children's children, shakes me to my core. My parents made sure I had all the facts and then they let me choose for myself.

The smallest decisions in our own lives are layered in context  - why would we think any different for a woman or girl who is faced with the decision to carry a child? Especially if she doesn't have the advantages I had? I am white. I grew up in a loving home with financial stability, access to medical care, etc. In the best of circumstances pregnancy is exhausting. And once an unwanted pregnancy occurs, the path will be tough - no matter what the choice. There is no going back. Keeping your baby is hard and layered with complexity. Abortion is excruciating. And let me shout it for the people in the back - adoption rips your heart in two and you never completely heal. Even in the best of circumstances. 

I saw many of my friends throwing around the word "adoption" the week the court's decision was announced - as if adoption is a simple, joyful alternative to abortion. Just change 2 measly little letters in the word and - problem solved. Wrong. When a child shares your body for 40 weeks, when you feel them kick and grow - even if you don't want them or (like me) you want them to have a different life - it changes you. Motherhood is sacredly ordained, and our physiology - our very cells - know that we have borne a child, even if our arms are empty. It's deeply traumatizing. The level of mental health care needed for birth families (it can deeply affect everyone involved) is immense. Even if a woman goes on to create a decent life for herself, even if she knows that baby is safe and cared for and loved, even if she develops a relationship with that child later on, she carries a profound wound forever. It is filled with love but it also has the potential to destroy. I know this. Oh, how I know this. And I won't even try to approach the tender feelings a person has when they know they have been given away by their mother, regardless of the circumstances.

Let me be clear - I don't regret my decision to choose adoption. Over the years I have learned some things. I believe that rules and mandates do not lead to peace or repentance or restoration or relationship. We must be given the freedom to choose love. And that means that sometimes we won't choose it. The freedom to choose our own paths didn't start with Roe v Wade. It started in a garden, where the very existence of choice was given to us by a God who loved us enough to place it in our hands. A Father who ultimately didn't remove the choice, but offered the cure.

And so today I'm holding it carefully, with fear and trembling. I'm still learning, and I'm leaning hard into the cure.